Sunday, September 11, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury,

Defendant:  Ryan, Age 4.  Charged with:  HOARDING:
  • Ryan MUST pack two backpacks full of junk and take them everywhere he goes.
  • He won't take his backpacks IN to any place - he keeps them in the van so as not to risk losing/sharing his precious items.
  • The stuff in his bag is just JUNK - sticky notes, instructions, wrappers, empty DVD cases, receipts, toys, toys, toys.
  • While he likes to play with toys, he is obsessed with stacking papers/books/etc.  He likes to hear things stack up:  "hey, do you hear what cool sound THIS makes?" - plops book on top of another book; flips closed a wallet, drops a pad of paper on the floor, etc.
  • Yesterday he "played" for 2 hours, TWO HOURS! I tell you, with a random assortment of stuff.  "Play" - verb: To stack, sort, resort, restack, adjust, move to location 2, repeat.  These things included soccer shoes, superman figurine, paper, toy lizard, a blanket, 3 pairs of underwear, papers "stolen" from DVD cases, sunglasses, the day's junk mail and a key.  Was there a plot?  A story with lots of imagination?  Maybe...but I didn't notice anything other than hoarding it and protecting it from Seth. 
  • He wants to take ALL of his toys to bed.  When we say he can't, he asks us as nicely as he can to "please do not touch my things and leave them nicely on the couch so I can play with them when I'm up and then put them away myself". 
  • When given the choice, he will throw NOTHING away.  He has a purpose for EV.ER.Y.THING.
  • As I am typing this, he saw my checkbook and got visibly excited about it.  "Mom, is this for ME?"  No.  Can I feel it for a minute?  Sure.  His eyes get huge as he opens, closes, slaps it against his hand.....THE LITTLE HOARDER JUST PUT IT IN HIS BACKPACK!!! 
  • my father family has a history of hoarding. 
Defendant: Seth, Age 2 yrs, 10mo. Charged with: REVERSE-HOARDING:

  • When he clears his plate after eating dinner, unless he is reminded first, he throws away his entire plate.
  • Everything he can get his hands on, he "puts away".  "Put away" - verb.  To shove it where it doesn't belong, with the specific intent of breaking, jamming, losing, the "put away" item.
  • Example reverse-hoarding incidents from the recent month:
    • shoving penny into van air vent
    • jamming seam ripper into laptop hinge
    • placing debit card in DVD player
    • cramming dozens of toys in small crack between bed and wall
    • pushing football pass card into CD drive on laptop
    • forcing a dozen markers into the crack between the fridge and freezer. (frozen markers)
    • dozens of small toys have been discarded into the opening on the surround sound sub woofer
    • squeezing football guys into wipe container
    • dropping ball in toilet; flushing said ball down toilet
I rest my case. What say you?